I Tell You This, No Eternal Reward Will Forgive Us Now for Wasting the Dawn*

parking deck sunrise

That’s right.  That says SUNRISE.  Yesterday and today, I got my morning hating ass out of bed at 6:30 so I could get to work by 7:30 or so.  This time of year, that means being able to catch the dawn.  Since this is about an hour before my usual start time, I’ve stopped to take a few minutes and enjoy the morning sky.  Because once I step inside that hideous black glass building, there is no sky.  I don’t take my lunch hour.  I don’t leave at my usual time.  By the time I do leave, I’m too physically and mentally exhausted to look up and enjoy the sunset.

I’m roughly six days behind on my work and making little or no gain.  Yesterday was devoured by a long and tedious training session that lasted from about 9 to about 5.  Today, there was a morning meeting, followed by another half day of the same long and tedious bullshit.  Training isn’t the word for it, though.  We already know how to do what we’ve been looking at, but since the system change, this piece of my job has had to be reconfigured a bit.  We had to build templates and then test them out.  Not a lot went wrong, but what did go wrong wasn’t always easy to fix.  Two and a half days of thinking ability sucked away.

The meeting this morning announced officially something I had started to suspect some time ago.  The disparate operations centers have been shut down, and mine is the only one left standing.  Extra work for all!  But absolutely no plans to add staff.  This is unequivocal.  That may change when we add the 60+ branches from the freshly acquired TN bank, but right now, the management foot is firmly planted.  On our necks.  Several of us already work overtime.  Overtime may become mandatory.  I’ve been there before.  It’s not pleasant.  I paid for it back then.  Not this time.  My bank account loves overtime pay.  My body loathes the hours.

My creative work has dropped to nil.  A couple of quick pictures here and there, like the sunrises or some sunsets out my window at home.  Writing is reduced to the page or so journal entry I manage to get down when I force myself to go down to the coffee shop on Fridays.  I haven’t got the mental energy when I get home.  Weekends haven’t been much better.  I did manage to finish the last Jack Runner story, but I haven’t done any edits.  I might get to that tomorrow.  I have things I want to to put down on paper, but I can’t spare the brain power to get them to cohere.

I’m exhausted.  My back has taken to twitching, not outright spasms (which is does every so often just to mix things up), but frequent little flutterings.  My shoulders are sore like I’ve been carrying something heavy.  The work days are harried and stressful and decidedly not productive.  Since mid July now, they’ve been serving up platitudes like it’ll get better, just hang in there or we’re the heroes in all this.  Fucking bullshit.  By the time we get out from under our backlog and figure out a way to deal with our increased volume, there won’t be anything left of us but burnt out husks.  Who’s the hero then?

Fuck it, I just have to deal with it.  Today was really just a dump and run on management’s part.  Fine.  But I’d have liked a little more warning.  Oh well.  I’ll keep my more vitriolic thoughts to myself.  I do have the dawn and the sky.

sunset, enhanced by remnants of TS Lee

*from The Wasp (Texas Radio and the Big Beat), by the Doors